I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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