I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
