just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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