They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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