this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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