Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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