Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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