I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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