I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
