you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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