so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
