My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
