I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
