My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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