i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
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i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
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I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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