kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
