People with herpes should wear stickers.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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