Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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