I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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