She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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