he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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