Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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