end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
