Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
