He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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