paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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