he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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