last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
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It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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