We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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