You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
