dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
