I faked an abortion last night.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
