I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
