update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
