currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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