I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
