Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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