FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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