She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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