my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she peed on how many people?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
