Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Randomize
