I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
only you would photoshop your dick
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
