One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
