So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
