if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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