The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
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The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize