Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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