New invention idea: vibrating tampons
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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