i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
