I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
