Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
