You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
