What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
