I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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