im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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