He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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