i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
