i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
