she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
