Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
