thus making me awesome and them whores
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
